She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
