Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
