: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
