I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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