I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize