I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
