No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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