I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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