I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
