I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
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I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
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I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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