Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
