I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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