She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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