I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
