I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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