I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My vagina just recognized that song.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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