i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
