The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You're a waste of cheezeits
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
