I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Found the puke drawer
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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