Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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