All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
