every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
