I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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