The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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