I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
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