And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
