You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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