Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
