My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
