nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
