I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
