i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
