I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
