i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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