and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize