I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
