they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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