I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
