I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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