I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
