I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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