Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
