I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
