my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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