I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
