I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
