i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
