I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Randomize
