why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
