remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
