Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
