when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
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she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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