Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
