There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
