I'm jealous of your bromance
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
