There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
