It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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