woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
