No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
